Can You Say No?
One of the main challenges in being a nice person is the inability to say no. It’s amazing how often people get themselves into all sorts of undesirable activities, simply because they are in the habit of saying yes to everything. The truth is that by being unable to say no, you are going to end up with a lot of unnecessary stress, extra work and a huge lack of respect from the people around you. Yes you heard that right – a lack of respect…
Saying yes all the time…
Often the underlying reason that we feel unable to say no is that we are driven by a need to have people like us… this creates the mistaken belief that people will like you if you say yes to them. In fact, this is quite a long way from the truth. They may like the fact that you say yes, but in reality they are using you because you are the easiest target if they have something that needs doing, or need someone to go somewhere with.
It’s quite hard to accept that people are going to use you – this places you very firmly in the victim role. So, by always saying yes, you are choosing to be a victim and the easiest way to step out of that place is to begin to say no more often.
It’s easy to say no…
Saying no really doesn’t have to be so difficult. How many people in your life have said no to you? How many of those people have you subsequently stopped talking with because they said no? So how come it’s so hard for you? What’s the worst that can happen?
To be honest, the worst that can happen is that people will start respecting you more because you are taking control of your life. Ok, a few people in your life might not like it when you stop bending over backwards for them… but actually, do you really want those people in your life anyway?
So take it steady… there’s no need to go and say no to everyone about everything! Make sure you take it gently – particularly with people who you are very close with – they will conspire against you if you upset the apple cart too much! Start by saying no once, make it something you really don’t want to do! Gradually, you’ll find it’s really not that difficult to say no.
Hi! Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog. This is a great article. I am learning to say no to anything that requires a meeting! After just wrapping up a number of commitments that involved lots of meetings, I decided that I have had enough meetings for awhile. So I’m practicing saying no to meetings. Great advice.
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Hi Galen,
Thanks for visiting too! I guess if there was a meeting with someone you really wanted to meet, you’d make an exception?!
Hi Dan,
very interesting topic. Many many people have lost their “NO” – it starts with the NO towards themselves, they don’t say to themselves when they feel the urge to go the fridge and get the extra sandwich.
You are right on that the inability of saying no to others is rooted in the misconception that we get love and recognition when we say yes. Nothing could be farther from the truth. In fact, we lose respect, as you note, from others and from ourselves.
You don’t have to say NO to say NO. You can say:”I can’t say YES to that.” if a blunt NO sounds too harsh for you.
Without the ability of saying NO, there’s no way of owning your life.
Thanks for sharing your insights.
Take care
Oliver
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You know one of the best things about blogging and writing articles on things you really feel passionate about, is when people share their incredible insights. I love this line that people have lost their “NO”. You are so right about this! If you always say yes to yourself, it’s like you are looking for self-approval… that’s really not how you get it!
Thanks Oliver.
Hey Dan,
Interesting article and thanks for posting on my blog/website. I greatly appreciate it.
Saying No, is important because we need to have self control. If you never say no to anything you are definitely hurting yourself. You need to have a balance I think.
You probably know more than this than I do, but I am definitely having problems making friends. I’m not sure exactly how to go about this. I’m a quiet guy unless I have something important to say or I’m around like minded individuals but the thing is, everyone I seem to be around nowdays are people who are not like minded. The people I am around all they want to do is talk about chit chat and football. I’m more of an intellectual and there isn’t anyone I’m around to talk about such things.
It’s weird too, I also feel like everyone I’m around hates me. They don’t seem interested in talking to me, they don’t come up to talk to me that often and so on. I’m really not sure, I think I’m confused also….. I see people in my life that have problems with things but they are so blind and in denial that they don’t want to listen to what I have to say. I try to help them and they either don’t listen or they just ignore what I have to say. I also find that nobody has time for me.. Funny thing is I don’t do anything to hurt these people I don’t do anything to them and I don’t get it, why they don’t want anything to do with me. Especially my family, like my parents and brothers… My brothers for some have always not liked me, since we were growing up. I mean they’ll let me come over to their apartment, but they never invite me to come over. I sent them emails and they don’t respond, then I ask them did you get the mail and they say yes but then they don’t want to talk to me.. I don’t know what to do.
Another thing is that I’ve had some experiences in my life that have really hurt me emotionally and I’ve tried to tell people that, the people I know, but they don’t listen or seem to care that I’m hurt. They think that I can just act normally like everyone else but I can’t. Then I get shunned or ignored or yelled at.
Anyway, thanks for your info. Great help =)
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Hi Xekeno,
Thanks for your comment and your questions. There’s so many good questions in here that I’m going to pick them apart and write some blog posts to discuss the issues. I think the main thing is to hang in there – it’s hard to be different, sometimes you feel like you are the crazy one for not following the crowd… To be truthful, you are more likely to be being yourself than others.
Kind regards, Dan
Sounds good, thanks for taking the time to do that! Greatly appreciated!
Let me know when you put the posts up =)
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Hi Dan, I’m agree with you. If you want to take control of your life, you need to learn to say No. It’s very important to avoid stress, and lots of problems.
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Hi Jose, Thanks for your comment.
It’s really interesting article. I am Japanese..we usually try not to say no. This means answer is really vague. Actually we, Japanese people can understand the person means “NO” even if someone does not say no. But sometimes this expression way occurs problem in the foreign country!
Thanks for your comment – that’s really interesting! Many people in the UK try a similar tactic, although their audience don’t know that they mean “No”… so it rarely works! I have a few Japanese friends and I really love the natural humility that your nation have. There’s much to be said for keeping some of these wonderful traits – it would be sad if it got mixed out by globalisation, unless you could really impact the behaviours of the rest of the world of course!
Hi Dan,
You are right, it is our desire to please everybody that hinders us from saying no. I’m grateful that I know how to say no. But for other people, it can really be hard. I know a person who can’t say no and he even reason out that its his nature that he cannot change. Then he would blame others if things go wrong.
Hi Sabrina,
Blame is not a great way to live your life… Gratefulness, on the other hand, is wonderful!
Hey Dan,
Just wondering, I know blaming people is not a good thing. But how to do you know when things are really not your fault? And if they’re are not your fault then what do you do? I mean everything in a persons life that happens can’t be all your own fault right?
Also, how do you know what kind of person you are? I mean how can you see yourself for who you are?
Thanks,
Jason
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Hi Jason,
You always ask great questions! I’ll get some answers together in a post for you.
I am one of those persons….i just can’t say no…especialy to family and relatives…you have no ideea how many things i did…and in how many bad situations i got just because i couldn’t say NO…and i still can’t…
I have no problem saying No to friends…but when it comes to family…i just feel…responsible..like it’s the least i can do for them…
This is a good article but,how to say no to your own family?to your aunts,uncles,cousins..?
Have a nice day!
George, there’s no difference between people… except for what you think of them in your head! Saying no to people you care about seems harder, but to be honest it’s actually easier! People who care about you wouldn’t want you to put yourself out for them.
Hey Dan,
Yeah, Interesting =)
Just wondering, what I should do about this. My brother has some dvds that I don’t think are appropriate and so I threw one away in the trash to let him know he shouldn’t have it. Then just because of that he wouldn’t talk to me. Just because I threw one dvd away, then I told him that he shouldn’t have it. He then responded that he never watched it and that he was going to sell it and that I should just leave his stuff alone..
I thought I was looking out for him but he doesn’t even seem to care that I care and just because of that small thing he doesn’t even want to talk to me. Another thing both my brothers live in the same apartment and neither of them want to talk to me or let me even stay at the apartment on Sundays. How do I know? Because when we are at worship they don’t seem interested in talking to me but they will talk to other people. Also when I asked one of my brother if I could stay over at the apartment he was like ask your other brother. Then I was like thinking in my head. what, both of you live there I don’t need to ask both of you and why do you treat me this way, I never do anything to harm you yet you always treat me badly like this.
The other thing is, that sometimes they will do good things for me but then the next moment they will like turn the back on me. I don’t understand this.
I’m not sure what to do about it. I Think maybe I should just move on because I’ve tried like forever to be a good brother and they didn’t seem to like me when we were growing up and then when I made mistakes it seems like they hated me even more for it. I really don’t get them, because they do some good things sometimes and then the next moment it’s like they shun me or something….
Anyway, thanks again.
Hi Jason,
It’s really hard to know what to do about other people. I can remember my parents always used to say “get your own house in order” and I think there’s some value in that for you. Ultimately, although it’s really hard, you have to allow your brothers to make their own mistakes. It’s one thing to tell them you don’t think they should have that dvd, but another to take action and throw it away.
It’s my belief (I stress belief because it works for me, but I can’t call it a fact) that we should love others unconditionally, even if they don’t love, like or respect us. I also believe that we should allow other people to make their own choices in life, even if it causes them pain. Although I certainly don’t believe you should stand back and allow other people to cause harm to themselves or others.
You talk about moving on… I wonder if it’s more like letting go! Being a good brother means being true to yourself – it also means allowing your brothers to be true to themselves… even if you don’t like it!
I respect that fact that you don’t trade your view and beliefs for them liking you – but in making that choice, you have to let go of the fact that they might not like you!
My husband was the first man to ever really put his foot down on me. All my other boyfriends were enablers and were so easy to manipulate. Well, I guess that’s why I married my husband. Saying no to me made me respect him more.
Interesting real life example! Thanks.
I think it’s an important skill to say NO.people should have enough confidence to say NO.parents should learn it to their children but it’s not as easy as I’m saying
It’s really important – you want to be in charge of your life, you have to say no!
you hit the nail on the head. Validation and the egos need for acceptance can trump our ability to be assertive. I still sometimes struggle with this. However, when you’re completely honest and transparent, you can learn to simply say how you feel. It’s comes with a sense of relief and release plus youre right- people respect you more
Thanks Brid.