This is a fascinating subject to me and I encounter this so frequently in my coaching work. Why do we always get what we fear? Why do things always turn out in the way we expect them to? In the main these questions are only asked when the outcome is something we do not want.
There is a big clue in my last sentence – when we focus on what we do not want, this is often all that we get. There are some fantastic books and articles on this and often I see that it gets explained by the universe not understanding the word not and delivering it to you. To me, although this in some way explains the outcome of what is happening, it doesn’t really place you at the centre of responsibility for what is happening in your life.
If you’ve ever done any goal setting, you may well understand that a good goal is phrased as what you do want, rather than what you do not want. e.g. I want to be confident (or better still I am confident) – instead of I am not going to be shy anymore. In the latter statement, we are focusing on what we do not want and therefore all that occupies our thinking is being shy. There’s no focus on being confident and you are unable to move away from being shy when you constantly tell yourself you are not going to be shy. All you are doing is reminding yourself that you are shy.
It’s very much the same with expectations and fears – if you expect your friend is going to let you down, you may be frightened of it or worried about it too, then there is very soon going to come a time that they are going to let you down. Why? Because you are going out of your way to look for situations where they can let you down. Because of this belief you hold about them, you are very likely to get involved in the process and help them (subconsciously) towards a place where they can let you down – thus supporting the fear, expectation and belief you hold about them. We are very good at proving ourselves right – in fact the brain has to do it. This is why if you can learn to focus your expectations on the positive outcomes you are looking for, your brain can get involved and help these positive outcomes come about. In the example here, you can expect that your friend is going to be a good, dependable friend and you will go out of your way to prove this is right.
It doesn’t really matter how you understand this process – if your view is that the universe will deliver what you ask for – whether it’s -ve because you are focused on what you do not want, or +ve because you are focused on what you do want, then that’s great. If you are more inclined towards the science of stuff, then you can learn about how your subconscious will support the thoughts and expectations you are having because it needs to prove it is right. Therefore if you focus on what you do not want, the chances are that your subconscious will move you towards proving your expectations of bad things right, whereas if you learn to focus only on what you do want, the subconscious can go about making that happen instead.
I’m sure there are many other ways to look at this, however the meaning and message are the same. I’d love to hear some more ideas!
I also find this a fascinating fact of life. If only people could realize the power they all have in their being and were able to use that power in a positive way.
Unfortunately as you have said, people receive what they expect or fear.
The biggest fear at present, on a world-wide scale, is a global economic recession.
Due to the power of the masses – it is inevitable – it is here. People are talking it up and living off the doom and gloom.
I am happy to say in my world, it is not an issue!
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Dan O’Neil says… We must live in the same world John!
I strongly agree to this. Your mind dictates the action to take in any activity you get involved in. If you focus on something you wanted that will definitely happen, that is, if you don’t let fear to overpower the power of your mind.
Thank you for a good realization here Dan.
Dan O’Neil says… You are welcome Marcy.
Nice article. I wonder what the relationship is between how strongly you believe in the outcome and the likelihood that what you focus on will come true.
Dan O’Neil says… Me too!!
This is the why affirmations work. If you focus on the positive thoughts, you will find more positivity in the world. On the other hand, a focus on negative thoughts does just the opposite.
Dan O’Neil says… There’s probably more to it than that, but there’s truth in your words.
Great Post , its always believed that you would become what you had thought of , I think a person give so much focus to unwanted things that at the end they would get those things
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for your comment Gagan.
Fear has caused the downfall of many ideas. People with great ideas sometimes get too overwhelmed with fear making them unable to realize their goals.
Good point about being positive. That’s gotta help day in and day out.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Terry.
This is the power of attraction that everyone’s talking about now. People who obssess over something usually get what they obssess over. If it’s money or the accumulation of wealth they will get rich if it’s disaster they obssess about then it’s probably what they will get. I’m new to your blog but I must say you’re spot on with this.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for the comments Samuel.
Our mind is so powerful that what we always think and expect becomes real. I learned this in sports — always visualize yourself doing the best shot, feel yourself winning and be the best.
Let me share a quote my high school professor always uses when opening the class: “All things are created twice — mentally then physically.”
Dan O’Neil says… Nice quote!
Thank you for sharing your knowledge on how to set one’s mind by understanding fear and expectations. I believe this would help myself to become more productive somehow.
am bored´s last blog post..Bill & Ted
Dan O’Neil says… I think with a blog called I Am Bored, you’re setting up some expectations that will last you a lifetime.
I think the crux of your argument is stated succinctly here: “when we focus on what we do not want, this is often all that we get.” It’s the power of the mind. Almost the opposite of what is spoken about in “The secret”…
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Dan O’Neil says… I find the last comment interesting. I think that it’s pretty easy to misunderstand the message in the Secret. I recall someone in there using a sentence not unlike the one you have quoted though.
If all get whatever they want, think what can be done..
> All prisoners are out of jail..and they will **** the society.
> All students passout with 1st rank.
> All employees get manager’s post or board of the director’s post.
Oh enough now, there is lot to say. Probably there will nothing to do in life with our hands, as everything is possible by just thinking about it.
Look, the answer to the question is, God dont give everything we want because he belives that there should something interesting in life.
Dan O’Neil says… It’s great to have a conflicting view! I personally believe that God (or whatever you choose to call her/him/it) does want us to have everything we want. It’s up to us to choose while we are here (wherever here is!!!).
Good observation that goal setting forces us to focus on the desired outcome vs obsessing about our fears.
Maybe I’m a bit slow, but I find I really need to work over my goals, especially the big ones, with serious thinking and writing. I like to dissect them and ruminate a bit, analyzing how serious I really am about it. By the time I’m done, it’s locked in, and my success rate in achieving goals set in this way is virtually near 100%. Which makes me wonder, even as I write this, why I don’d do it for even more goals!
Anyway, I’ve made a goal setting worksheet that anyone can download for nothing, to help them do what I have just described. I initially developed it for myself, but it seems to do the trick, so help yourself!
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Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for this Daren.
I use techniques like these, positive thinking and positive visualization. Another thing that I do to reinforce positive outcomes is I make a collage of all the things I’d like to accomplish or attain. I hang it in a nice little frame above my desk to remind me what I’m working toward.
Dan O’Neil says… Good advice – I call it a vision board or dreams board.
Thanks and great point.
The acronym for FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real…
therefore most of you fears are made up by your own mind. I agree with this post and the law of attraction… When you think about positive things and what you do want, that will overcome fear. When a fear does creep up, acknowledge it simply as a thought that is not real.
I wrote this in an article once…Here are a couple of ways to overcome your fears…
1. Write down all your fears. Next to each one, write down what is the worst thing that can happen to you if they come true. Then, write down what your solution would be if any of these undesirable outcomes come about. Now you know what you can do to resolve the worst possible thing that may happen. Most of the time, they do not.
2. Discuss your fears openly with someone you trust such as a friend or a member of the family, Establish that this is an exercise to face your fears. For each one, openly declare what you can do to resolve it. Discuss solutions. By taking this active and creative step, your fear will shrink and become what it really is – an illusion.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Jai
I think it’s the actions we take that make us who we are. If you are afraid of spiders then every time you look up you may see one because our brains conjure a perception of where exactly a spider may be. Only then you will see it. Just like rich people are rich because they know where to look, and there brain functionality focuses on it. Great post on this subject.
.-= jay@ work at home opportunity´s last blog ..Need Help With Google Adsense? Ask Lisa! =-.
If your thinking fear you’ll get fear but if your thinking of courage you’ll get courage because what you think about is what you bring about.
You hit the nail on the head when you wrote “the universe not understanding the word ‘not’ and delivering it to you”. This is very true and is why people should only focus on positives and the things that they “Do” want.
Well it’s a great post & i admire your information. However, there is some thing i want to add, why we do fear something? I think it’s because lack of confidence in yourself, I mean if you know you really good at particular things & you know merit & demerits of things, you have to do or die, in that way you will either lose or win. That’s a fact, some thing good or bad will happen if you start working out, but before the ending our mind play games with us forming hallucinations, what will happen if we lose? but seriously think what will happen if you lose some thing?? does it comes back to you, no i don’t think it does, nothing last forever, so why fearing?? Think Positive.
The power of the mind is amazing. Some call it law of attraction, power of focus or something else, but the reality is that your mindset in conjunction with your actions will determine the outcome. So if you want good thingd to happen you need to have the positive mind framework and back it up with positive actions. Then the real rewards come pouring through.
.-= Job Self@Goal Setting Worksheet´s last blog ..Goal Setting Worksheet: How to Make a Good and Effective Worksheet =-.
Dan O’Neil says… Nice comment, thanks.
Great post. We attract whatever we give our attention to, whether we want it or not.
.-= Nea@Self Improvement Blog´s last blog ..50 Regrets and the Life Lessons to Learn From Them =-.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for your feedback.
This can be summed up for me as “Thoughts become Things”. Emotions are very powerful, mcuh more so than reason, so it is wise to think about things you want
The article provides good insight into the human mind. I’m not sure how it all works. I don’t think anybody knows for sure with absolute certainty, but I think studies have shown that optimists are often the most successful in life and their careers. It just shows you the power of positive thinking.
The universe works in mysterious ways, but one thing that is for certain is that energy follows thought, so if you focus on the positive that generally tends to be your experience of life. When you dwell on the darkness it tends to grab a hold of you and your fears get realised, just because you are harping on them. To walk away from fear and negative emotions associated with possible future (and current) outcomes you also have to bear in mind that karma is what it is, and if you’re adversely affecting the journey of others it will come straight back at you!
Thank you for a very insightful post. I highly enjoyed it.
I am a true believer that this is a true fact. I always get what I fear for which makes me think that this is a fact of life. Not sure what to do about this, more help is highly apreaciated!!!
Good point Julie, I’ll do some more posts about this!
Well i believe your mind is very powerful and what you put out you can get back in!
so beware scary to think though
but if focused properly you can move mountains..or at least stand up and talk confidently
Thanks Michelle.
the problem with this idea and ive practiced it for a while now and gotten some mixed results is that there is no counter balance. The universe works by postivie and negative just as a battery sparks life when a positive terminal and negative terminal work in unison to counter each other. I always feel that when you are recieving too many good things you are spiraling out of control and a negative counterbalance is needed. This stops you from growing beyond you are capable of understanding so you can see there is a very good reason why negativity exists.
Its not so much to put you misery but to help you understand your choices which have not yet manifest and how they may not neccessarily be whats best for you growth wise. If it were a simple matter of getting all we want whenever we want then hell i’d be a millionaire by now. In fact i have used the power to get financial benefits but in my heart i know there is a bigger reason why we are here and its not to satisy own egos which have a very small understanding of how the universe really works. The ego is there to help you but don’t allow it to control and stop you from understanding and seeing the bigger picture.
Thanks Trenton,
I’m not sure what you see being the problem with this idea… Are you struggling with the financial benefits to the bigger reason you are here? I agree that money is not why we are here… having a million pounds or dollars is certainly not enriching ones soul! However, being in flow with money – knowing that more is coming and allowing what you have to flow through you to someone or someplace else is all part of not having to think about it! Once you get that right, then all the money you need will flow into your life – not because you say, I need a million dollars tomorrow… but because you decide to create a project that helps people (or whatever) and you know that the money will come to fund and support it.
We can’t separate ourselves from money if we want to do big things in the world. Sure, you could move into the woods and find a way to live of the land… but that only helps you! When you involve others you need to have money flowing to make things happen.
Thanks for your comments Trenton. Interesting observations you make here that you are spiraling out of control if you get too many good things… Although I disagree with you, I think it depends on your own inner compass and feelings as to what is right or wrong here. To me, the negativity is simply to make the positivity feel like something – if everything were great, then it would feel flat having no comparison.
I think that all experience, whatever we label it (-ve or +ve) can be joyful! All good stuff or all bad stuff (although unlikely extremes) is all good!