I was watching a TV programme with my daughter the other day called, “Timothy Goes To School“. If you’ve never watched it, it’s a cartoon about a raccoon called Timothy and his class of different animals at their school/kindergarten. It’s one of the few programmes that I personally recommend as “good” TV for children.
Anyway, there is one particular episode where two brothers in the class break something that doesn’t belong to them and their father teaches them the 3 stages of sorry. I share this here because I feel that not only is it a wonderful way to teach children how to apologise, it also is an opportunity for us to reflect on our own feelings and thoughts on the subject.
Stage 1: Feel sorry about it
Stage 2: Say you are sorry
Stage 3: Do something to show you are sorry
In the story, the brothers had broken a toy (a taketombo) and their father had helped them to repair the toy and also make sets for all the other children to make, decorate and play with.
My own personal reflection is that although I’m pretty good at saying sorry when I feel it, I very rarely do stage 3 and show that I am sorry. For the most part, it can be something as simple as a hug, however sometimes, we need to take the time to show we are sorry in a different way.
Actually, there are next stages, one should reflect on why we did it in order for it to not happen again. Trying to feel what the other felt is a nice technique to achieve just this.
Dan O’Neil says… More stages make it more difficult to understand and implement. I think if you show you are sorry often enough, you’ll automatically stop doing the things that means you’ll have to show you are sorry.
“three stages of sorry” must be implemented. thank you for your free ebook.
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Dan O’Neil says… Share, share, share! The writers of Timothy Goes To School can have all the credit for a great learning.
Thanks for an interesting post. I rarely do step three either (and step one). Sometimes, we just say sorry because we feel obliged to say it, or that it seems the right thing to say. The post brings me back to the main reason why we say sorry, and that is because we are.
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Dan O’Neil says… Quite!
saying sorry is definitely hard to do. Sometimes, it can become a blood bath before it becomes possible. Those three stages of saying sorry is truly helpful in teaching your kids on how to do it. However, reality shows that people come into the point of looking for lawyers for personal injuries done to them before a sorry can be extracted from them.
We rarely find people who can say sorry that comes for the heart. Even husbands who cheat on their wives take time to realize when to say sorry.
Lucky for you, you seem not to proud that you can realize your wrong doings and say sorry right away. However, some people are often cloaked with pride that even in small situations straight from the heart apology seems to impossible to do.
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Dan O’Neil says… Interesting comment – I see that it adds value also to your link!! The culture we are creating where we demand money from people who we perceive as at fault seems to me to be becoming ludicrous. It totally detracts from our own ability to take responsibility for our lives and the things that happen to us. It’s very easy to see how this is creating a victim mentality, from which people have very little power to change their lives for the better.
The last step is certainly the hardest for sure. I have trouble showing it at times.
Dan O’Neil says… I’d guess you’re not alone in that!
I’ll tell you what, I have never seen Timothy, but I have seen Franklin, those kids show are pretty cute, and show alot of life lessons that young kids can learn at a young age
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for the tip – I’ll look out for that show if it hits the UK!
Teaching children to say they are “sorry” at an early age is important. I know MANY grown-ups that have a hard time admitting they are wrong and extending an apology. I like your post…it is true that we should SHOW we are sorry and not just say it. As they say…actions speak louder than words!
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for the comment.
This is very good timing for a post regarding being sorry. It seems there are several celebs in the news who are apologizing who really do not seem to mean it.
To be sorry you must be truly remorseful.
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Dan O’Neil says… As an observation, there are a few people in the public eye, who give a bad name to the many great people in the public eye.
Yes, it is true. Asking forgiveness is harder than just saying your sorry though. I think at least.
Dan O’Neil says… I think if you are going to choose to say sorry, then it should not be conditional on the other person forgiving you.
LOL. I think most adults could never make it to stage 3. To them, doing something about it met apoligizing and calling it a day. I mean, what can you do if there is no way in going back in time to retify the situation. Maybe the next I do something to someone, I will apologize, then take them out to dinner
LOL
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Sajae… I think there’s an unwritten rule that the gesture matches the size of the apology! Although I’m pretty sure you’d be a popular person if you always offered dinner every time you made a mistake!
In number 2, I’d add the word “I’ll never do that again”. Sorry is different from that phrase. You can say sorry a hundred times from a mistake, but you are messing up when you break the never-do-it-again.
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Dan O’Neil says… A part of me wants to preach… Don’t make promises you can’t keep!!
Stage 1 and two go together – there’s little point saying you’re sorry if you don’t mean it.
Dan O’Neil says… Yet so many people forget that…
Love this post…It’s so true about the importance of doing something to show that I’m sorry. This implies that my heart really means it.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Matt.
I think the best way to prove stage 3 is to “not do it again”.
It isn’t exactly immediate but it’s the best way to say sorry.
Dan O’Neil says… I think there is an opportunity to learn from your mistakes, however as for showing you are sorry, I’m not convinced that this would work.
Another step that should be added to Stage Two is to show how you HAVEN’T benefitted by the action. Adding that would make it easier for someone to accept your appology. Not sure how you could teach that concept to children though.
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Dan O’Neil says… I’m not sure how you’d teach that concept to some adults either! I think this leads us into overcomplicating a wonderfully simple set of instructions.
I really like this post. I am sad about the topic at the same time though. Maybe it is just me, however, I know a lot of people who have no problem saying sorry.
The problem is that some people believe that saying sorry is an excuse to do what ever they want. They believe they can treat a person how ever they wish, or do what ever they want, and that sorry will make it better.
We often forget that saying it isn’t as important as step three above and taking the steps to show that we actually FEEL sorry for what we did or what happened.
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Dan O’Neil says… I quite agree with you Dwayne. The showing you are sorry sorts out who means it and who doesn’t.
On number 3..
Taking a step back to re-assess the whole situation is a good tip especially if the other person isn’t giving any room at all, after you gave your apologies.
Dan O’Neil says… I’d suggest a portion of that re-assessment is about re-assessing that person in relation to yourself. Who’d want a friend like that?!
Hi
I’m laughing, as I watch this with my son in the mornings too! It’s a great cartoon with good moral value. I remember the exact episode – it was Frank and Frank who broke Yoko’s toy
.
Huh hmmm, anyway…
The 3 stages are interesting and something I’d not really thought about. What struck a chord was the fact that my son seems to have got into a habit of saying sorry without really meaning it. To help remind him of the true meaning of the word, I’m going to discuss stage 3 with him.
On a personal level, it’s something I’m going to implement too and see what the results are in terms of how I feel and how the other party reacts.
Thanks
Pete
Dan O’Neil says… Hi Pete, nice to meet a fellow fan! I’m wondering if you are going to go out of your way to do things you need to apologise for!!!!
I used to have these debates with friends who were far more religious than me about whether justification comes from faith alone or good works. I see the same as the act of contrition. Should the fact one acknowledges an error or wrongdoing to the injured party be enough? Is the self-realization considered penance or is something outwardly demonstrative demanded? I suppose it’s the degree of the injury. The taking of a life of a loved one at one time demanded the most extreme retribution: eye for an eye. But most of us are seemingly satisfied that a hand gesture follows that occasional sudden merge into your vehicular lane –a combination of thank you and sorry for cutting in front of you. We’re not expecting the offender to stop and insist he/she treat you to a cup of java at the nearest coffeehouse. Interesting ethical question. Thanks for introducing the discussion.
Dan O’Neil says… Whenever I meet comments like this, I’m always drawn to my musings on “there’s nothing to forgive”. It’s really interesting to live your life this way (and challenging!). If there is no right or wrong, bad or good (except for how we define it for ourselves) and if there is no failure, only feedback (from NLP) then life is simply a collection of experiences. People will choose to do things that we may define as bad, however there is nothing to forgive of them as it’s only a choice. You may not make similar choices and any judgment we may make is our own. There are many examples of people who have lived this “there’s nothing to forgive” – for example people who are tortured or kidnapped often find a place in themselves to love their captors. There is so much strength in this place, it is when we realise that we are more than our bodies and that the truth is we cannot be harmed. (Physically yes, but the part of us that is really us cannot).
It’s really inspiring and worth reading & a very good lesson in the end. Saying sorry is difficult & especially when your ego comes between your decision. Some times we say sorry for the mistakes we made but i think it’s not enough, because we don’t know what harm we have done to the person’s feelings. So those three steps are the best way to show that person you really care and especially step 3 is really important. Doing something good to show that you are sorry can make that person happy.
I hate it when people say they are sorry while it’s clear they don’t FEEL it. I mean, you’re not doing me any favor just by saying something I would like to hear.
Alison
Thanks Alison. Nice post of yours on your site too… you can check it out here:
Don’t Say Sorry For…