Image from Karpman Drama Triangle on Wikipedia.
What is the Drama Triangle?
The Karpman Drama Triangle is part of transactional analysis (TA) which models human social interaction. It shows us three different positions that can be adopted when two people communicate with each other. These are the Victim, the Rescuer and the Persecutor. Essentially, at any time during a conversation, the two people involved are behaving in a certain way, dictated by the role they have adopted in that conversation.
For example:
Joe comes to Sally with a problem he is having with his work. Joe begins the conversation in the Victim corner of the drama triangle. Sally, being a nice person, decides that she wants to help him and adopts the Rescuer role in the triangle. For a time Joe is happy in the victim role and doesn’t show any signs of shifting towards a solution to his problem. Sally is getting increasingly frustrated, and might jump to Persecutor and start shouting. It’s also possible that she continues to rescue and then Joe, getting fed up with not getting what he wants from Sally (which is an acknowledgement that this is a serious problem) jumps to persecutor, forcing Sally to go to victim where Sally says, “I’m only trying to help you“.
It’s a wonderful play and it goes back and forth with someone being in the victim role and the other being in one of the other two roles. You can read much more about the theory by visiting the Wikipedia link under the image at the top of the post.
The drama triangle and confidence…
So onto the main point of the post – how does an understanding of the drama triangle help us with our confidence in one on one situations? Well, the first thing you need to do is to observe the drama triangle in action – either from your own experience, or if you are lucky enough to watch it happen in front of you. Notice how people take on which role – what do you see in their body language and style of communication that gives you the clues?
You can tell a lot about a person from this information – when someone comes to you to initiate a conversation, you can tell straight away what they are trying to do… if they are coming as rescuer or persecutor, they want you to be the victim, whereas if they are coming as the victim, they want you to play one of the other roles.
There’s a place in the centre of the triangle which you might call the adult place – the confident, assertive person. It’s where we have our meaningful and successful conversations. It’s much easier than you think – once you identify where the other person has taken up residence, you can decide on how to respond.
How to react to the drama triangle roles…
To the victim, you ensure you do not support them in their self-pity – avoid shouting and answering all the problems. Sometimes it’s best to reflect the problem back to them, that way they feel like they’ve been heard and there’s a chance, they might come out of their corner and join you in the adult place.
To the persecutor, you understand that they are trying to make you feel bad and somehow get one over on you. A line like, “you seem really angry about this Joe” can work wonders there. Follow up with, “Let’s see if we can’t talk about this calmly and get something done.”
To the rescuer, this person is trying to show you how much they can help, or how good they are… possibly, they have an over developed need to help people. Sometimes, it’s best to say, “You know what, I appreciate your help, but I’d really like to work this one out for myself. I’ll come and find you if I get stuck.” Basically, do whatever you can to move this person out of their role.
As for your own role… ensure you don’t start off in any of the corners of the drama triangle! The one to watch out for if you are lacking in confidence is the victim (and occasionally the rescuer).
If you want to know more about transactional analysis and the drama triangle, there are loads of great free resources on the web.
This is a great article with valuable information that explains a lot!
Will save it so I can back to it in case I realize being stuck in a drama triangle.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Anja
Hi Anja,
Your thanks are appreciated.
Dan, it’s great that someone with your vision stumbled upon my humble little blog. This is just the sort of stuff I try to coach my clients and loved ones about. When you empower others by playing into their manipulation, we all become victims, really.
It all starts with taking ownership of our own actions and attitudes.
The buck stops here.
See what you can do to defuse a situation and empower others. This goes along with what Janet Callaway recently shared on 12Most.com .. There, she provided 12 keys to bringing out the best in people. I definitely recommend the read.
This reminds me of the old quote which goes something like this:
“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish ; and you have fed him for a lifetime.”
Again, empowering people. That’s very, VERY important!
Yomar Lopez recently posted..Please Help Me Promote My Unbounce.com Guest Blog – August 16th Is The Big Day!
Hi Yomar, thanks for your kind words. A very appropriate quote at the end too!
This is a really good bit of tried and trusted psychology.
In addition, to help engage the other person in the adult state, ask them open ended questions, that get them solving the challenge rather than you.
For example, if someone is talking about a relationship that’s not working and wants you to rescue them we might say…
“I get it’s not working for you, what do you think the main problem is?”…”What support do you need from them to make it work?” “What support to you want to give them to make it work?” “If this is still going on in a months time, what are you going to do differently/what are you going to do?”
And in addition to this bit of psychology, confident people make mistakes, aren’t always right first time. Confidence for me is about embracing failure and learning from it and having the will to have another go.
Speak soon – Karen Sigalas – Coach Karen
Karen Sigalas – Coach Karen recently posted..Welcome! (and a story about my weight)
Hi Karen,
Thanks for your comment – it’s good stuff, so I’m happy that you’ve shared it here and in the facebook comments above. There are some really good resources on your site too, I’d recommend others take a look.
Great article, When i am in a situation or watching a situation like that I am always observing everyone. Being like that have gotten me call judgmental and a lot of other names. But its so true in your post about the “Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer and there always a aggressor or that can be the persecutor.
There’s judgemental, and there’s judgemental! To be fair, we all make judgements all the time, about everything and everyone. There’s a way of being detached from your thoughts and judgements and simply to observe them… that’s a life’s work!
This is a great information about Transactional Analysis. Based on your theory, it is important that we avoid being a persecutor as possible as we can. We have to control our emotions and keep mental focus when talking to others, otherwise it will result to senseless debates.
What to do when in front of this drama triangle? In my opinion is to maintain your poise and be a rescuer not an aggressor. If the situation is being fueled by a persecutor, back away and avoid further contact. This way you can build good reputation to yourself that can also build up your confidence at the same time.
As tempting as it is to be the rescuer, it’s not an ideal position to take. If you wish to avoid the drama triangle, you should stay away from all the positions and take on some of the ideas that Karen put forward in her comment.
Interesting stuff. It reminds me of transactional analysis. The Parent, child and adult relationships. Is it related?
I’m trying very hard to avoid sarcasm… have you read the first sentence of the post??
Interesting stuff. Now that I know this, I feel like I won’t be able to partake in a conversation without trying to identify who the rescuer/prosecutor/victim is! That said, I’m challenging myself to always aim for the center of the triangle – the adult portion.
Good luck! It takes patience and practice, but it’s really worth it!
This is really interesting. This info makes me analyze which of the three am me. Right now, I can say that I am the rescuer. It is good that I learned about this and realized I need to avoid them.
Hi Paul, most people take up residence in each corner from time to time!
This is really a great post! If you think closely, you’ll realize that this stuff really do happen in everyday life. If we could actually practice getting to the Adult place of the triangle, as Dan said, then that would definitely help with our confidence. thanks Dan for this great info, I’m gonna be practicing these theory first hand, and see where it would lead!
Thanks Gracia
This is very interesting. I can see how I’ve moved around that triangle, sometimes acting out of each position in even one confrontation. In general life though, I think I tend to be a rescuer. I like the idea of standing in the center and discerning where the other person is on the triangle. It helps people feel heard and helps move things forward. Thanks.
Hi Val,
Thanks for your comments.
Very interesting. I have not thought of it this way before. I’d like to believe that I’m the adult in the center for the most part, but, …Lol…
It really shows though how we are a mixed bag of stuff. We fluidly move from one type to another depending on our beliefs and past history. Also, the goal here would be to act in such a way that it helps the other person move into the center, into the adult, resourceful person. Hey! What could not happen if you had TWO people in the center?
It sure clarifies when one can “see” the dynamics, as in the triangle.
Thanks Ann, the funny thing about the drama triangle is that when you sit in the centre, it’s really hard for the other person to stay on the outside! For some people it can be an experience that they don’t enjoy because they wander around the different roles trying to find their place! Of course, if they don’t make it to the Adult centre, they feel disorientated and confused. Also, some people are really good at getting you to pop back out into one of the other roles!