I Just Need More Confidence!
I had a comment recently on my post about how to get more confidence without doing anything different. Briddick commented to the effect that he realised that striving for more confidence wasn’t the solution – that actually, his ego had made him believe he wasn’t good enough and when he overcame that, the confidence was there.
The vast majority of people who come to me for help are seeking more confidence. When we begin to look at their circumstances and their life “story”, they always say things like, “If only I had more confidence, I wouldn’t have this problem”. They present themselves with a solution, which is simply to be confident. The truth is that they are chasing a red herring!
More confidence is a red herring…
Confidence is something that is always with you – it just lies buried. Of course I accept that it’s possible to build confidence over time, that it comes from little steps and achievements. However, to build confidence in this way, you have to also accept that your confidence can be knocked, diminished or destroyed by events in your life. What’s really happening behind the scenes though is that your self-belief is being nourished or starved, depending on the circumstances, events and feedback you receive. So you are never in control of your confidence at all – it’s totally dependent on things outside your control… not a good relationship to have with it.
In order to put you in charge, you have to find a way to accept that you are worthy and have value – in other words, create a sense of self-belief that is unshakeable. I’ve written previously on the power of being able to connect to your belief that you can adapt, learn, grow, change and take on new abilities. This is one of the keys to getting this right. If you believe that you are capable of learning something, even if you can’t do it yet and you know it will be a challenge for you, then you enter into it with a much higher level of confidence than if you don’t have that self-belief.
Simple exercise…
For the next few weeks, start each day by telling yourself that you are able to learn, grow, change and develop yourself and your skills. Find a sentence that feels good to you and repeat it at least 20 times each morning (more if you can and more often in the day as well), e.g:
- I am adaptive and easily learn new skills
- I am quick to learn and take change in my stride
This totally works! It is amazing what you can teach yourself if you just ‘tell’ yourself to do it over and over again. I have used this method for years and can tell you from personal experience that you can and will see results if you just stick with it!
Hi Nick, thanks for your feedback!
Hey Dan, enjoyed this blog about the Red Herring. In my experience I agree the word “confidence” is used as an excuse to not do something when it can equally be given a different meaning to actually achieve a goal. The missing element between the positive and negative on confidence is how much excitement can be uncovered within each person.
Thanks for your input Jon, excitement is a wonderful thing to bring to your life… makes your appetite for the journey much greater!
You’re right. I say the same thing too. Confidence lies within us. You just have to dig deep to find it sometimes. Positive affirmation definitely works. The funny thing is that sometimes the teachers have to take their own lessons and remember to do this too. I’m like that sometimes.
I think it’s also another form of Law of Attraction which can really work well if we keep our focus and discipline of ourselves. Confidence is something which we all need when we want something to do with in our lives.
Thanks Ayesha,
Courage is the something we need! Confidence doesn’t come first!
Working your way up progressively will give you the self confidence to give that speech, because you’ve practiced it with progressively larger groups.
Thanks Samantha.
Hey Dan,
Confidence is such an important part of almost every aspect of our lives, but sadly most of us struggle with low confidence and self-esteem. But the best part is, as you said, self confidence can be learnt and built upon with each passing day. The exercises you mentioned work fabulously. Thanks for the great thoughts.
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Hi Sarah,
Thanks for your comment and feedback. You are right that most people struggle with low confidence and self-esteem… it’s just that most people don’t realise it!
This works for me. I use a similar technique like a mantra when I run. These “mantras” aren’t usually about reaching the next corner on my trek, but the next corner on my journey in life.
Thanks Stan!
I am adaptive and easily learn new skills – this will be my mantra starting today. I really lack the confidence here. How else can I make encourage myself? Thanks for the words of encouragement.
-Eula
Hi Eula,
Take your time and pick one or two things to work on for a while. Change is never permanent, you just develop new habits that mean that things happen differently for you!
In my experience I agree the word “confidence” is used as an excuse to not do something when it can equally be given a different meaning to actually achieve a goal.
Thanks for your comment Myrtle.