Dealing with aggressive and angry people can be a daunting prospect for many of us. Some people have such a hard time asserting themselves that they become very passive.
One of the easiest ways to deal with someone who is displaying aggressive or angry behaviour is to identify their emotion to them. I find it helpful to use their name also.
e.g. “John, you seem really angry about this” or “Sally, I can see that you’re really angry about this” – don’t add any comebacks, defenses or buts to this.
You’ll either find they back down and sometimes they will apologise for their behaviour; or they will agree with you, but because they feel understood, they are likely to calm down and enter into a discussion.
In the times where they remain in their aggressive or angry state, it is often best to explain that you can’t deal with them at this time.
The main thing is to remain calm and not retaliate. Try to understand their feelings and you will have a better chance of getting to the point where you can talk adult to adult. If it’s clear you are not going to get anywhere then take time-out and meet up later.
I am glad in that I don’t have to deal with angry people that I can remember, although back when I was a waiter I certainly did. People would get upset at paying .25 extra for a side of sour cream. There is more to life, people!
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Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Peter.
Absolutely agree with you there Dan. There’s no point in pushing back at an angry person.
What is important is to acknowledge their anger, never ignore it and try to view the situation from their perspective.
Use phrases like “I can see that you’re angry John and you have every right to be. It must be tough for you, having to deal with so many issues.”
You’ll find that when you acknowledge and sympathize with them, they’ll likely calm down and have not much reason to continue being angry.
Rather than conclude that the other person is being unreasonable, instead understand that different people have different needs. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
The only reason people are showing aggressiveness is because they fear that their message will be ignored. Show that you listen to them and consider their needs, and the aggressiveness will likely recede.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Ethan for you great additions to this post.
Good advice. Sooner or later everyone has to deal with somebody out of control and keeping calm and being kind is always the best policy.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for your comment.
i just stumbled across your site and i think that your blog is a great help for lots of people that have difficulties in self esteem and confidence… one other thing that i think could be really effective in dealing with overly aggressive people is to be able to find a common ground… when you find something that you can both relate to, that angry person will start to see you in a different light and he/she will realize that you are not very much different from him/her…
Dan O’Neil says… This common ground is all the more easier to find if you do as Dr Stephen Covey talks about in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People book – Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
I think it is usually best to avoid aggressive people if at all possible…it is not worth the negative impact it has on your health and emotional well being!
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Dan O’Neil says… Hi TR, if it is possible, then avoidance is the best course of action.
I certainly agree that the most important thing is to stay calm yourself. It is important that you acknowledge their feeling, because that makes them feel like they are being heard and understood. Then, if you listen to their story about what is upsetting them, they are much more likely to listen to your own point of view and your own feelings. But you must really listen to them first. Many of us don’t know how to really listen because we are so busy thinking about our own point of view and what we will say next. I think it is a good idea to search for the kernel of truth in what they are saying, and acknowledge it. If you can admit that you were wrong or that you did something stupid, that will make them feel a whole lot better about it. And I certainly agree that if they can’t calm down even then, that it is best to tell them that you can’t deal with them at this time and walk away before the situation gets out of hand.
Dan O’Neil says… Great points Tracy – I totally agree with you about listening and understanding first.
I have tried using this “John you seem angry about this” approach once, and it really blew up. The response I got was “Ohh… Don’t try using that psychology on me!!”
Any suggestions? Is the only solution here to extricate yourself from the situation?
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Dan O’Neil says… Great question! There are circumstances and people for whom this will not work immediately. Sometimes this reaction is because the person you are talking to expects the usual passive response from you. In this situation (although I’m obviously not there) the safest bet would seem to be to explain that while they are angry you cannot continue the conversation with them. You may need to be like a broken record and repeat this to them until they back down. It’s funny, strong people may not like you being strong with them, but they will certainly respect you more than someone who allows them to walk all over them.
What is very clear is that while someone is being aggressive, others are most likely to be passive (or sometimes aggressive back). None of this helps the situation – it only serves to make it worse. The best way forward is to find a middle ground where you are not passive or aggressive and to try to understand the other person to the point where they also take this middle ground. Then you can begin to have a decent conversation.
Where this aggressive-passive relationship is a long-standing one, breaking it down can be incredibly difficult. If this is a real problem – like in a working relationship with a boss or with a partner, then the best way forward is to get some help. A coach or a therapist should be able to help you make changes to the relationship.
Hello Dan,
I wanted to take a quick moment to thank you for the great advice in regards to dealing with aggraveted people.
One tool that I use is to emphathize with the person I am dealing with. It’s always important to understand the point of view of the individual(s) you are speaking with. From there, find a common ground that all parties agree with and then working on reconciling the differences.
Best regards,
J.P.
Dan O’Neil says… Hi JP, thanks for your tip – I’m certain others will find it valuable.
I think – & – = +. If the aggression is not on other, the 2 persons in discussion but to some bad experience, politics disagreement or something else, the aggression could be answered aggressively, by agreeing to cool other.
Dan O’Neil says… So you are proposing that in a situation where one person is behaving aggressively, but not directing their aggression towards the other person then both parties can behave aggressively and you get a positive outcome? I’m wondering if you’re describing passion rather than aggression? If someone is angry, the chance of you having a meaningful and rewarding conversation with them is slim unless you can find a way to help them to regain their calm and composure. I can’t really see any circumstance where responding aggressively to someone who is being aggressive would create a useful or positive outcome.
I experienced enough bad situations with aggressive people and I learned it’s best to back away. Do not contradict them and try to bring the ball down while the situation is hot. But after that, avoid all possible conflicts.
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Dan O’Neil says… This all really depends on the situation and who you are trying to deal with. For some people who experience people who are always aggressive towards them, they can become diminished and it causes lack of self-esteem, confidence and other problems. Sometimes, you have to do things a little differently to see changes in your life. I think that getting yourself out of the situation is often the best plan as you say, but sometimes we need to stand up for ourselves to break a pattern – this is best done in an adult and calm manner!
that’s a great tip. over here, our culture tends to be one which avoids confrontation. but what you suggest is something more middle ground, where you don’t merely remain passive, but not one where you immediately retaliate. good tip.
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Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for your comments Kouji. I’d suggest that in the UK the majority of people try to avoid confrontation too!
He who loses his temper loses the argument. Talk calmly to them, then walk away.
Dan O’Neil says… Another vote for remaining calm and walking away.
I’m a grown woman but it still drives me up the wall to ride in the car when my father is driving. He is honking, speading up, cussing at other drivers. All it does is make him and everyone around him upset, and we’ll still get there when we get there!
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Dan O’Neil says… I can feel the frustration there! One of the hardest things in life is to allow people to be who they are around you, without it affecting the way you feel about them or yourself.
I work in a busy hospital emergency department, and have to deal with aggressive patients on a routine basis. That being said, have somewhat of a temper myself and I sometimes, have a hard time not reacting to aggressive comments and actions. If I do engage, I always regret it. It’s a stressful job in a politically correct, customer service atmosphere, and I hav had to learn to become very tuned in to my own physiologic ques like increased heart rate, adrenaline rush, and the like. It ain’t easy!!
Dan O’Neil says… Rich, if dealing with aggressive people is something you do routinely, then make sure you make space and time in your life to let off some steam! Do your increased heart rate, adrenaline and endorphins rush in the gym!
Não é facil lidar com pessoas agressivas tem que saber muito bem como lidar para não lidar com elas errado.
fiz meu trabalho de escola sem saber lidar com eles mais agora tomei consiencia do que é.
valei gente.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Ketelim, google translate tells me that you are saying it’s important to know how to deal with aggressive people.
I have found that aggression is fuelled by the receivers anxiety and that staying calm and keeping eye contact etc helps to defuse the situation by showing that person that you have no intention of working yourself up and threatening them.
Dan O’Neil says… Yes, people do respond to your cues – such as keeping calm and confident in these situations.
I have read through the comments and it seems to me that aggresion is very much related anger. I have problems.
1) When I do presentations my friends say I am aggressive.
2) when we are making jokes and laughing they still say I am agressive.
3) When I give advice they still say I am aggressive.
4) When I give a lecture they still say I am agressive.
5) I tell someone not to steal my stuff they say I am aggressive.
The list can go on and on. I have no enemies that I know of. The last time I had a fight was probably at about the age of 5. I am now about 34.
People I need your comments because in almost everything I do they say I am aggressive. What does this mean?
Dan O’Neil says… Find someone who’s opinion and judgement you trust. Ask them to explain what people mean by you coming across as aggressive. Thank them for the feedback and then reflect upon it in your own time. If you feel you need to work with someone, then find a coach or someone who specialises in this area (like we do).
Well, I have a hell lot of a trouble dealing with angry and aggressive people, and sometimes trying to calm them down I end up getting angry as well! However, I found that I was lacking patience and I am working on that. Another great post Dan. I’m subscribing to your feeds!
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Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for the feedback and your insightful comments.
I would love some advice please. I am a confident, successful business woman and have opened a restaurant with a friend who is a very talented chef. My background is the office environment and I have found it very difficult to adjust to the stressful kitchen environment where the chef screams at everyone. Until now, I have never had a problem dealing with people as I am a good communicator and have always managed to discuss things with people. However, my business partner is incredibly aggressive because he is a perfectionist, works incredibly hard, and gets frustrated when things aren’t done to his standard. However, I believe people need encouragement to improve rather than agression, and I am worried we are going to continually lose staff because he can’t recognise that everyone needs to develop and no one will ever meet his high standards, and they can’t take the verbal abuse.
Until now, I have been very poor at defending anyone because I find it very difficult to stand up to him (not least because I am scared myself) but I can’t stand back any more and need some ideas on how to calm his behaviour and try different approaches to get the best out of people. Any ideas?
Dan O’Neil says… There’s a lot of challenges in a high stress environment like a kitchen that most people never encounter. Not least of which is that it’s damn hot! It’s not an easy process to help someone to realise that others will not meet their standards, and indeed are often not capable of doing so. If he is to have people working with him who will come close, then he’ll need to understand that nuturing them and allowing them room to learn (fail) and grow are the keys to their getting there.
The only thing that springs to mind in a situation like this is to somehow make it his idea. If you can sit down with him and ask him why he thinks you have a high turnover of staff, with some gentle questioning you may be able to get him to admit that they can’t stand the heat. Then you can ask how you can improve the environment to encourage more people to stay. I wish you luck – you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to be changed, but you can lead them to the point where they can make a decision to change or not.
Hi,
I think it is usually best to avoid aggressive people if at all possible…If you don’t want to do this then it is important that you acknowledge their feeling, because that makes them feel like they are being heard and understood.
Thanks.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Nishant.
Such a very good advice from an expert. There are also times when I had to deal with angry people and at first I myself have to control my own anger even if I am surrounded with so much contention. I have to be aware that being angry is not the right feeling in that situation. I tried to study what they really feel and what makes them angry. I tried to get to the root of the situation and find the solution to it and start talking to those people. I made them realize that they can talk about their issues in a calm way where everyone has to say something while the other is listening and vice verza. Because of that solution, the problem was solved.
Remember that hot heads and cold hearts can never solve a problem.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Engel, the key to any communication challenges is as you have described here. Listen and understand the other person and you can’t go far wrong.
We have to be careful with new people we are dealing with. Make sure that we did our best in knowing the person’s past before trusting them.
Thanks for all your tips!
I work in a Student Services area at a university and dealt with a very aggressive student the other day who really wanted to vent her frustration about a whole lot of things for which I had no responsibility for. I was trying to ascertain if or how I could help but she was swearing, and aggressive and really not receptive to any suggestions I made. Whilst she was talking, I was trying to stay calm and empathic but I realise now that I was being really passive and that when I stepped away from the 30 minute tirade, I felt completed trampled on. I’ve been researching how I could have handled the situation better, so as to not inflame things but also protect myself. Funny! As I type this, a colleague has just had a similar altercation with the same student and her response was to say,”Stop using that language. I’m trying to help you, but if you’re going to continue to be aggressive, I won’t listen to you!” The student stopped in her tracks and apologised! (She’s now with the Counsellor.)
I have read all the comments with interest, and responding to aggression does depend on the person dishing it out. My neighbour is a bullying narcacist who throws temper tantrums like a little girl whenever she doesn’t get her way. She yells and screams at tradesmen, council workers – even gets out her car to yell and scream at other drivers who she deems have not got out of her way or whatever reason she validates her behaviour with. Unfortunately, she is also a storyteller, telling potentially dangerous stories about her fellow neighbours, which just aren’t true. It’s just based on some fantasy she has going on in her mind. She doesn’t work, doesn’t do anything around the house and probably in her boredom spends her time thinking up lies about people – which she convinces herself are, in fact, true!.
Living next door, I became a target for her intrusive, bullying behaviour. When I discussed her unwanted behaviours ie. just entering my house uninvited and going upstairs! she would agree, then carry on anyway. Her husband even said “didn’t you know that she ignores anything she doesn’t want to hear?” . In the end it all came to a head and I had it out with her in a clear and firm manner which even she couldn’t ignore. She reacted with utter aggression, yelling and screaming at me. I asked her to look at her behaviour and calm down, but she just yelled over me. I walk my dogs twice a day, and she was waiting for me where I went and continued yelling and screaming at me. Again I would ask her to look at her behaviour and that it was unacceptable, but she would turn it around and say it was all my fault blah, blah, blah. I said that I wasn’t prepared to listen to this abuse any longer and turned to walk away, and she screamed at me “How dare you walk away from me” She hates to be ignored. This went on for 3 days! In the end it got so ridiculous that I told her it was time for her to grow up. At this, she burst into tears and flounced off.
Dealing with this person was incredibly difficult because she wouldn’t acknowledge that her behaviour was unacceptable in any way. It was all my fault (it has been a case that every one else is to blame except her. Heaven forbid that a neighbour should contradict anything she says or believes – I would then hear a tirade about how obnoxious that neighbour was – all because they had a different opinion!) and I was to blame for everything. I couldn’t not reach a logical, mutal understanding with this person because she is a narcascist, a bully and a fantasist so agreement was impossible. In her mind, she had done nothing wrong.
In the end I had to ask her to stay away from me and cease all contact, which I did in a letter to ensure that her husband saw it too, knowing that he would ensure that she kept to it and didn’t deny having received it. Her behaviour was totally unacceptable and I wasn’t going to be subjected to it anymore. She agreed to that and then for the next several weeks I had to listen to her banging the kitchen doors shut, banging doors etc. She was clearly telling me that she was still angry!
I have never had to deal with a person who clearly has mental and emotional problems which culminates in such aggression whenever she doesn’t get her way. I admit, I just didn’t have the skills to deal with such venom which was directed at me. I am an assertive person, but there was nothing doing with this person. In a case such as this, the normal rules I don’t think apply. In retrospect, I could have dealt with this situation differently, but it had been a situation going on for the last 2-3 years, and it was time to draw a line under it. I am glad I did sort it out, and I have every right to stand up to her bullying, controlling behaviour and put a stop to it, as she was ignoring my rights to live a life without her intrusive, sarcastic, spiteful remarks.
I am a changed person for the experience, but I am confident that it hasn’t affected hers in any way – she will always be a narcasistic bully. I have certainly learned from it! Sometimes, you can’t negotiate with aggressive people, it is best to just remove them from your life.
It has been such an unpleasant experience and I couldn’t have dealt with the ‘fall-out’ without the support and love of my family and friends. But there lies a danger in you taking it personally, which I did, until my family and friends pointed out that she treats everyone like this when she doesn’t get her way. It’s nothing to do with me personally. I just got more of a blast because I stood up to it and said ‘no!’.
I hope that this may help someone else who may come across a similar unpleasant and unstable person.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for sharing your experience Peta. You are absolutely right that sometimes normal rules do not apply! You have done the thing that most people have such a hard time doing… having a strong and straight communication and removing this person from your life (to the best of your ability) as calmly as possible. Congratulations – I’m sure your experience will help others.
Just responding to peta i am in a very similar situation only with a psyhcotic man who is big! he has threatened me and lots of people and is clearly mentally ill. Another problem is he has a son who spreads negativity throughout the neighbourhood , damaging cars , shaking his fist ,foul language in fact he is a minuature version of his father.He damaged my car again today i think it may be time to move.What can be done ? The funny thing is i blame myself ,obvoiusly i have a problem or two.
Thanks for chipping in James, I think that there are times when these tips are not going to be appropriate – particularly when dealing with psychotic or mentally ill people. In those situations, you need to get more direct help. I appreciate your honesty in saying that you blame yourself – there are so many people out there in a similar situation who feel like that too. Keep reminding yourself that it’s not your fault that someone else is like this, your only job is to choose in what way to react.
I have a new buisness partner who is very aggresive with our employees. Last week I addressed this problem again with him and was hopeful to see changes. Two days later another incident occurred and I documented but let it pass. Three days later another incident occurred where he became aggressive with a family member of mine at our workplace and the family member is not an employee. I have been passive during the episodes in the past however this took it to a new level with me. I did not witness the behavior but was told about it afterward. So I confronted him and asked what happened and was told that it was a conversation and blown out of perspective. He even went as far to put an employee on the spot to back his version of the truth. The next day the employee came to me in confidenceand retracted the previous version and said it was aggressive and out of line but agreed for fear of retaliation. The other witness was my wife and I was told the same version as my brother and the employee. I am very upset and want to resolve this issue but feel that it will be taken out of context because it involves family. I no longer want to listen as you suggest because I have lost faith in his “Truth”. This needs to be corrected but it is as if he thrives on confrentation and bullying and feels he has earned the ability to do so based on position. It also most definatly is a patiance issue Open to insite to resolve.
Thanks for relating your story here. Your business partner is clearly adept at preserving their view of the world, shaping it to fit what they believe is true of themselves, other people and the world in general. It can be a really tough ride sometimes and it is clear that this issue will not go away without you dealing with it.
It’s a shame you feel that you can no longer listen… to me that would suggest that you weren’t listening in the first place. That may sound harsh, but the truth is, sometimes we listen without doing the understanding piece. This person is clearly struggling to create a sense of respect based on their position in the company. Of course, the truth is that you create respect by who you are as a person, not by having a title.
Stop confronting them to explain their behaviour – this will only cause a defensive (albeit aggressive) stance from your partner. If you are to have any success in helping this person, your employees and your business, then you have to approach the conversation from a perspective of wanting to help. At the moment, he feels threatened by your approaches – and rightly so, you are trying to manipulate and control his behaviour (even though I realise it might well be in his best interests!!).
Any dialogue between you about this should come from a place of open discussion – where you get to the bottom of his feelings and understand why he his adopting this approach to your employees. To be honest, it sounds like he feels completely out of his depth and/or he’s trying far too hard to stamp his authority and mark on the company – in some way overcompensating for the feeling of being out of control.
Obviously, this is a really tough situation – however the only solution is to be the bigger person and really understand him, to the point where you can have a positive discussion about changing his approach. You’ll know when you get there because he’ll sort it out himself!
In these situations, there are always many different sides to the story! It’s tricky for me to suggest a perfect solution – that is something that you will have to work out on your own. If there are things in my suggestions that you don’t quite agree with, be open minded enough to consider if there is truth in them before you dismiss them entirely. Good luck, I’d love to hear how it works out for you.
Great advice! When you can evaluate situations without the “emotional drama”, everything becomes much clearer so you can focus on solutions.
Thanks Rick.
Hi, I have had a read through all comments and seems there is so much different kind of aggression, for me I grow up with an agressive Dad, it confuses me so much as he was more a jekle & Hyde type character who when he was in right mood was such a great dad but could change over the littlest thing like doing some decorating he’d get flustered and start shouting and demanding at my mum, from a very early age I learnt to shut down soon as I sensed he’s mood changing and would sit extremely still and quite with tense anxiety and stomach churning through me. He was also a binge drinker alcoholic (which eventually took he’s life) he would go few months at a time with not touching a drop of so drink and was a great person then I suppose it’s when the mood started to change he would turn straight to drink to shut off only problem was I never understood why he did this as drink just fuelled he’s rage and he become impossible, my mum would tell him not to come home till he was sober (he’s binges could last unto a fortnight, or when money run out!) sometimes he would turn up drunk usually in middle of night and mum would try to ignore the front door but he would bang shouting abuse couple of times he smashed in front door to get in, my mum never once I can remember showed aggression back she was quit mousey sometimes a bit sarcy and patronising when no need for it to be honest it was like she sometimes took avantage when he was in a good mood to get some kind of self revenge for how he’d been! It was like neither my parents thought how this behaviour was affecting a child neither ever spoke about it too us only once my mum told him not to speak like that infront of the children my dad I think because he had such a bad upbringing couldn’t see what he was doing would affect us as it was nowhere near as bad as what he went through, my mum assumed if I were out of site or not looking directly at them then I wasn’t aware of what was going on!
Sorry iv sort of lost where i was going with this cause there’s so much I want to say, but just basically growing up with an aggressive person has completely filled my now self with such anxiety it’s hard to live with sometimes and because of the learning to go within myself when I felt uncomfortable I find it impossible to talk to anyone now with my confidence at practically zero!
I just find a aggressive people now so draining and so much time is used trying to talk about there point of view but for someone like me no one out there is interested in why I’m like I am or feel unhappy because there’s no need of involvement from there part as I’m no ‘threat’ to them unlike someone who’s coming across aggressive!
I best end comment now lol hope someone understands what I’m getting at a little
Kind regards, Marie.
Thanks for sharing your experience Marie. I know that you are not the only one of my readers with this kind of upbringing.
There’s a line that needs to be drawn – some people are aggressive to the point where you are at risk (mentally, physically and spiritually) of harm. There are no “techniques” or “strategies” that will help in the long term with people like this. Sadly, the only way through it is to remove yourself from their life, which is something a child cannot normally decide.
The thing about children is that they have an incredible survival mechanism built in which helps them through experiences like you are talking about here… but the challenge is that this is not normally broken free from on reaching adulthood and independence.
I’d strongly urge you to seek help with this – it takes courage and guts to make changes to break free of the hold that your Dad still has over you, but it’s really worth it in the long run.
I admit that I am not patient when it comes to aggressive or angry people. I also get mad at them especially when I know that they are being unreasonable.
Maybe it’s time for a new approach! Thanks Olga.