Due to popular demand, I’m writing some articles over the next few weeks on assertiveness, confidence and self-esteem. This one is concerned with the art of being assertive without becoming aggressive. From my experience, the majority of people who want to be more assertive are scared to do so because they do not want to come across as aggressive. The most important thing to remember if you feel like this is that you are actually a really nice person and it’s really unlikely that some aggressive side of your character is going to appear. If you weren’t nice, you wouldn’t be bothered whether people took you as aggressive or not.
Below are 10 tips that can help you be more assertive:
- Meet the person at their level – standing, sitting etc.
- Speak at a similar volume to the other person, if you are trying to make a point, then it is ok to speak slightly louder – just don’t overdo it. If you are both shouting then it’s probably not going to be a great conversation – postpone it until you have both calmed down.
- If you are not clear about what you want to say or achieve by this conversation then politely request it be undertaken at a later time or date.
- If you can, spend some time thinking about a positive outcome for you both, before you meet with the person. Otherwise use no.3 above and use the time in between to do this. It is important not to spend too long thinking about all the possible outcomes, simply be open to the possibility of a positive outcome for both parties.
- If you need some extra confidence, then think about your body language: steepling is a great way to feel confident… press only the tips of your fingers together in a kind of prayer position – thumb to thumb, index finger to index finger etc. There are other variations of this that you will easily find in a google search.
- Feelings are really important – most people are capable of spotting when they are beginning to feel angry, so be aware of how you are feeling. If you notice yourself becoming angry, aggressive or even despondent, then remember you have the option to stop the conversation and continue at another time. Sometimes the clue is that your words don’t come out easily – like there is something stopping you explain yourself clearly. If you can relax and continue then that’s fantastic.
- Saying No – if you are asked to do something that is in the future, a quick way to know your true answer is to consider what you would say if it was happening now (supposing you have the time free). For other questions or requests, remember that there is no benefit in doing something for someone if you do not have the time or skills to complete it. People respect you far more for saying a polite “I’d love to help you but I really don’t have time right now, if I get done here I’ll come and help”, than they do if you say Yes all the time and then don’t have time to deliver on your promises. Remember that people take the line of least resistance, if they find someone who will always say yes, then that person goes top of the list for everything. Think of people you know who do that and then consider what your feelings about them are… Do you want people to think that way of you?
- Find someone who you see as Assertive and then begin to think about what it is they do that makes them come across as assertive. How do they sound, what do they say, how do they stand, etc. If appropriate, ask them what they think about it.
- Start small and gain experience – maybe you could simply ask someone who you would not normally if they can get you a coffee from the machine etc. Small triumphs along the way are really helpful, especially if you don’t want to jump in at the deep end and go and ask your boss for a raise just yet!
- Celebrate how far you have come – becoming assertive takes time and balance, so celebrate the achievements and the journey you have undertaken to date. Continue this process and don’t be afraid to make mistakes – if necessary you can apologise! Often the truth will help you gain the person’s trust and respect, so tell them you are learning to be assertive and any feedback is much appreciated – good or bad. You may even find you make allies in people you wouldn’t have normally turned to for help.
Ultimately, this takes time, as does any process of change. I have seen and helped many people become more assertive and find the courage to say no, when appropriate. It’s worth the hard work to feel happier about yourself and know that you can meet any situation with the right balance of assertiveness and confidence.
See also: 10 Top Tips For Becoming Super-Confident (without becoming arrogant)
These are great, positive points Dan. It is worth remembering our own worth when faced with these situations…so important to stay centred and confident and these tips are perfect. Thanks
Leanne
Thanks Leanne Self-worth underpins so many other parts of our life and you’re right to bring that up here. It helps feed our assertive side and help us to be true to who we are. Kind regards, Dan.
Fantastic tips Dan.
A way that I have found for people to ‘Be Assertive without being Aggressive” is to make eye contact, and then wait for them to break eye contact first. This is a subtle way of asserting dominance in the animal kingdom and it works wonders for establishing yourself as assertive. That and obviously a relaxed, but straight stance are the two easiest ways to establish assertiveness.
Though I’m sure you know of these tips already- it never ceases to surprise me the people who never bother with body language.
@Dylan Thanks for these – Body language is certainly useful to know and use. There’s a really fine balance between being assertive and being aggressive. Although I agree with you that eye contact can work wonders for being assertive, I’d add that if you aren’t sure of what you’re doing, too much eye contact can easily be misconstrued as aggressive. Very useful additions though, thanks, Dan.
thanks for this post from italy
@Italy30 You are welcome. Please read my comment policy on thank you comments! Kind regards, Dan
Hi Dan
You have put together a very thorough and helpful list here for many. I for example know a lot of people in my life with whom I will be sharing this list as they do not how to say “no” and then take on too much in their own life, and as a result suffer all sorts of stresses.
I guess that is what some people do not realize is that there are many ways to be assertive, while still being polite and not aggressive.
By the way, what is your policy on thank you comments, I looked through your site but could not find it?
@Evita Thanks. Good spot on the comment policy too, I’ve added a piece in the comments area that mentions the reward for contributions. Cheers, Dan.
Great Post, very useful information. thnx !
You are welcome! Thanks for stopping by.
I like your point about watching someone you think is assertive. That really helps me when I try to act like others who do it.
Hi Paul Thanks for the feedback. Kind regards, Dan
Lots of people says – that aggressivenes is very important to be sucessful – I am in dilimma i am too polite . sometime its pays me as disadvantage – but in future i will follow your tips
Thanks Shanker There is a really fine line between being assertive and being aggressive. Thankfully, the majority of people who feel they need to build their assertiveness are nice people and less inclined to be aggressive. I do not believe that to be successful you need to be aggressive, however I can see so much evidence where people have made their fortunes with such behaviour. If you equate success solely with money, then it is easy to justify being aggressive to succeed, however to me success is so much more – I’m more interested in expressing myself through the life I live and the choices I make, rather than building a pile of things that will ultimately never make me happy. Cheers, Dan.
Very good information. Aggression often leads to problems: if you push and the other person’s reflex is to brace against you or even push back. Calm, assertive energy is an irresistible force, like a tidal wave.
It’s amazing how easily body language can change a person’s inner state, to say nothing of the message it communicates. It does take practice and reinforcement of that state before it becomes a natural part of you. Consistency and persistence are key.
@Tiger Lily Great points here. Thanks, Dan.
Hi Dan
Your post was a real eye opener, not only for me, as I tend to be stepping back too easily, too, but for quite a few people that I know. One of the commenters before me mentioned, that she knew a lot of people who cannot say “no”, too. I wonder whether this is something that might be common in some peer groups. Perhaps it is another tip, not only to think of other people who you think are assertive, but to try to find friends that are assertive, because you often learn from your friends…
Michael Great point – there is much value in hanging around people who are or who have what you wish for yourself. If you hang around assertive people long enough, you’ll find yourself being assertive. Thanks for this, Dan.
Some useful tips! I hope that this post will improve somepeople in a manner or the other!
keep this good work! well done and nice website.
Thanks for your feedback
I really like when you mention how you should be talking at the same level as the other person. A lot of people think they need to scream in order to be assertive (not fun to listen to).
Thanks John I agree – screaming and shouting is one way to alienate your audience! Cheers, Dan
You have some really good pointers there! especially the one about being assertive! I couldn’t tell you the amount of times I have received a phone call from someone trying to sell me something and instead of just saying no have said ‘well let me think about it’ and then always have to decline when they call back anyway and once they think they have got you they don’t let go!! Thanks, will definitely try to put them into practice!!!
Thanks Your comment got flagged by Akismet as spam! That’s a really interesting point about sales people – most people do take the let me think about it approach because it’s hard to say no! I know people who actually use sales people as a way of practicing negotiation – they get as best price out of them as they possibly can before saying no! Cheers, Dan.
Nice post dan. Im from italy.
Thanks for your comment.
I really like your tips on adjusting your body language and meeting the other people at their height in order to show your assertiveness. Those are some things that I am going to try and implement as soon as possible.
When I get those down, i’ll try to get the next couple tips on the list
Cheers Scott
This is a great post about being assertive but i think tip #7 is really the one that stood out the most to me. Alot of people have such a problem saying no to people, especially if it means saying no to a good friend or a family member. This personality “flaw” is really bad because you can end up being taken advantage of pretty easily.
Thanks I agree with you – on the Assertiveness Courses we run, the most common problem is being able to say no to people. There’s some part of us that wants to appear nice, helpful and able to help! If it goes unchecked, you get taken advantage of, as you say, and you end up with too much to do and not enough time to do it in. Cheers, Dan
I used to have a problem saying no. Now I find that I sometimes have gone the opposite way, and enter situations preparing to say no and to be contrary. This has gotten me into a couple shouting matches, and I have to find some middle ground here.
Dan O’Neil says… This is the balance that we’re really trying to achieve here – to be assertive without being aggressive is the key to successful assertiveness.
great tips, I think it’s especially harder for women to be assertive because of social conditioning. Even if we do it appropriately that “bitch” persona is attributed. So a woman can respond the same way a man would but she’s seen as a bitch.
Dan O’Neil says… You make some good points here and part of the difficulty women often have is around this issue. It’s important to realise that if you are a nice person, you are a nice person! There is a way for everyone to be assertive and get their point across and still do it in a nice way. Finding your own style is an important step as well as having the confidence to get it wrong a few times – you can always apologise.
i like #5… ill have to pay extra attention to that next time
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for your comment
It seems like most of your excellent tips are about compromising and looking for middle ground- which also means not giving up your own ground if it’s not “fair” to do so.
Me, I have trouble saying No- which always gives me a bigger workload.
Dan O’Neil says… Interesting observation about the compromising and middle ground, thanks for that! It’s certainly true that saying yes all the time leads to a bigger workload! Great if you can handle it, but if it causes your work’s quality to suffer or you simply don’t complete tasks, then you need to practice saying no more often.
I have recently been a bit bullied and intimidated by the mangement at my mother’s care home. Bad situation. I have been used to dealing with difficult customers etc in the past and bringing everyone to ‘win win’ outcomes – but this is so different and I have become something of a ‘victim’. I am really shakey and frightened by these people, but know I am right to pursue complaint. I am so scared however that thinking about it all and I am having awful nightmares. Their accusations that I swore at the manager(a fabfication0 make me feel helpless. I know/think I am doing the right thing by putting complaints in writing,to higher mangement etc.I am defending our right to complain so to speak. But they do not answer our letters at all since my first informal complaint.
I feel almost suicidal about the situation and am surprised at my weekness. My mother is frightened but is also frightened to leave. How do I keep strong. I feel as if I am at the mercy of some king of Stalinist state. I can barely keep a positive thought about my ability to deal with this and I have lost confidence in my ability to protect what is right and safe for my mum.
please help us. Cat
Dan O’Neil says… I think you need to get some advice and help from professionals who specialised in your situation. A coach can help you with your confidence but if you are feeling suicidal as you mention, I’d suggest you visit your Doctor or find a counsellor. This is a complicated and personal situation and I don’t think that giving you advice here is appropriate. I’m happy to speak with you on the phone if you want. My number is above.
Truly great tips, Dan.
I must admit that this is something that my all-or-nothing personality struggles with. Thanks for shedding some much-needed insight.
Dan O’Neil says… No problem!
I am a nurse working in a very busy hospital.. Our job demands us to be assertive at times and your post is truly helpful on how to be one, but still maintain proper ethics.
Thank you Dan, your posts are always very helpful.
Dan O’Neil says… I’m glad you’ve found value here.
my concern is that i seem to freeze when confronted with a question and later wonder why i didnt say what i wanted to say no matter how much i try . i always freeze
help !!
Dan O’Neil says… I think this is a common problem and the answer is a post or two in itself. Keep an eye out for something soon.
Hi there, I work in a supermarket and ive been put as a supervisor on a department with anouther supervisor who is already there.Hes been on the department 10 years, I want him to speak to me as a equal, and for me to be authoritive and be seen as a equal with him, however I tend to feel like im being ordered around because of his better experience and this isn’t looking good to collegues who are working for me aswell as him, and they keep saying “you need to be more authoritive and stand up for yourself” but I don’t know how to go about this :/ I explain to him that I need for him to stop talking to me like that especially infront of people, it works for a short while then he starts being controlling of me again, and pointing out things that are obvious but making it look like hes telling me what to do, in short im scared to say no, what should I do?
Dan O’Neil says… Hi John, thanks for your question. There’s a famous saying, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” Until you start saying no and standing up for yourself, this is going to continue. Things don’t change by themselves, you have to do something different.
Be careful to avoid telling him that it upsets you or makes you angry because this is a sure-fire way of letting him know how to push your buttons. I sense that there is more to the story than you can explain here, if this is the case then it would be worth finding a workshop or work one-to-one with a coach to move towards a more positive relationship with your colleague.
In the meantime, it may be a good idea to take your colleague to a neutral place (e.g. out for a drink) and discuss the situation away from work. Rather than complain or criticise him, explain how you would like to work together and keep it positive. A big part of this is to listen and understand him – often people who act in the way you describe actually feel out of control of things and you arriving as his equal may be causing him to feel threatened in some way.
Thanks for your question – I’m sure that many people arrive at this post looking for similar advice and hopefully it can help make a difference.
Great article. I especially love tip 8 on finding someone who is assertive and having them be a role model. It’s a brilliant way to learn how to be assertive, and also generally in whatever you want in life.
.-= Chanelle´s last blog ..How to Get a Flat Stomach =-.
I have found I’m assertive around some people then passive around others. I tend to think to much and not say what i think because I’m afraid about being rejected. My friend wants me to be more assertive which i find hard to do because having an opinion tends to come out as objectiveness.
A way that I have found for people to ‘Be Assertive without being Aggressive” is to make eye contact, and then wait for them to break eye contact first. I guess that is what some people do not realize is that there are many ways to be assertive, while still being polite and not aggressive.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for your comment, I’d suggest that this is something you use with caution – in the UK this is seen as Aggressive. Different cultures have very different social rules for eye contact.
awesome tips Dan…positive thinking always makes us assertive against anything… but most of us surfing from aggressive nature while being assertive… your way to write is nice…
Anyone who wants to be assertive..don’t need to scream.
Our inability to say no to others may be our life’s greatest challenge. We say “yes” because of our fear of confrontation. As a result, we tend to attract those who are very aggressive and insensitive who feel the need to take advantage of our kindness for it is perceived as weakness. We may be well aware of the problem but always miss the opportunity to react accordingly.
Although most of us are strong, brave and independent, we’re still not able to be assertive. How funny is that! Sometimes, it may take a bad experience to force us to stand up for ourselves. If you know what I mean.
We must be strong enough to take the first step towards the journey. We must also believe in our hearts that we can do it. So, let’s do it together and let’s support one another. Let us wish each other good luck.
Thanks for your contribution. It’s a wonderful sentiment!
Very good article in describing the difference between aggression and assertiveness. My problem is that when I need to express myself my emotions kick in and the tone at which I say things, I think, inadvertently, come out stronger than what I wanted it to. I recently had this happen to me. I needed to approach a person about a behavior that had offended me at work. I talked to the person in private and explained what I needed to but I felt anger building as I talked. I was angry because of the whole situation– I didn’t want to have to say anything but I knew I couldn’t let it go because the behavior was increasingly making me feel more resentful and angry.
Thanks Marilyn,
You’ve done a really difficult thing there and hopefully you managed to keep the anger in check. In any situation like this, there are always going to be emotions present, it’s about being able to handle them effectively and remain focused on a positive outcome for everyone concerned.
Dear Dan, Being assertive makes one to always achieve thier goals. Like here in Africa, assertive people have succeded, and ther are not always taken for granted. And it is always good to bring up our children with asserive skills so that even thier self esteem is built.
Thanks for your comments Kasibbo!
Yesterday I got into conversation with my boss about my “attitude” towrds customers. I am a Regional Sales manager for a Helathcare company and have 5 sales representatives reporting to me.
I was told that out of 600 customers we call on, 3 of them have complained to the boss that I am too aggresive in my approach. I do not see customers everyday, time and again I do an odd trip to cover up for my reps when they are not available and even also clear up their ” mess” which is part of my job description( helping my team to succeed)
I am not sure if I am over reacting to this “criticism” about aggression. Am I maybe not too assertive?
Your advice please.
If people have given you this feedback, then it can’t hurt to take a look at your approach. I’m not saying they are right, but if you want to improve yourself, then it’s a good idea to take full responsibility for your communication with other people. But with a healthy dose of “you can’t please everyone, all of the time”!