Following the theme of my popular post 10 Top Tips for Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive here are my 10 top tips for becoming super-confident (without becoming arrogant).
Many of my clients have becoming more confident on their list of reasons for wanting my life coaching services. For most of them, they can remember a time in their lives where they felt confident, but then life gave them a few knocks, or they met someone (boss, partner, etc) who dominated them and then before they new it they’d lost all the confidence they ever had.
The 10 tips below are all ways in which you can move towards being super-confident, but helping you to remain a nice person and keep all your friends and family!
- Body Language: In the post 10 Top Tips for Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive I mentioned something called steepling, which is where you press only the tips of your fingers together in a prayer position. You can google a search for this for more details. Also in body language, it’s really important how you stand or sit. The “typical” position for standing involves: having your feet slightly apart toes pointing outwards slightly; your back straight, shoulders relaxed and back and head held high. Then we get to the hands – in confidence stances these are the most difficult! My preferred way is to have my fingers in my pockets with my thumbs showing, or you can hook your thumb in your pocket and have your fingers out. If you do not have pockets, then try holding one hand with the other behind your back – you’ll notice the Royal Family tend to do this as they roam about meeting people. Bear in mind that some cultures have different body language meanings… A wonderful resource for this is “The Definitive Book of Body Language” by Allan and Barbara Pease. The thing about using body language in this way is that it can help you to feel confident just by changing your posture.
- Looking people in the eyes is a great way to appear confident. For most un-confident people this is incredibly difficult to do – for fear of over-staring. The best way to do this is to look from one eye to the other then down to the mouth then back to the first eye (a triangle). It’s a way of preventing yourself staring at people. More details again in the Allan and Barbara Pease book.
- For many people their lack of confidence comes from a lack of self-esteem. How you feel about yourself can restrict your ability to be confident. Ways to improve this will be covered in a future article, which I’ll link to here. As well as these, you can begin to build your self-esteem by asking 5 people who know you to write down 5 positive qualities they see in you. To make up your 5, pick at least 1 from each of the following: friends, family, work colleagues/business contacts – e.g. 1 friend, 2 family, 2 work colleagues. Explain only that you would like 5 positive qualities from them, there is no need to go into any detail beyond that. The beauty of this exercise is that the people you ask can do whatever they want to and you’ll be surprised by what comes back! People often recognise qualities in you that you will never see or acknowledge yourself.
- Affirmations can really help to build your confidence – these are mantras that you repeat to yourself over and over again. Here are some examples:
- I am a strong, confident person
- I am confident when meeting new people
- I am cool, calm and confident when under pressure
The important features of affirmations are that they are written in the present tense (if you start with “I am” you’ll be on the right track); they are phrased positively – words like not and don’t have no place in affirmations; they are written in your own words – if you find a good affirmation from someone else, phrase it in your own way. If you want feedback on your affirmations, then leave me a comment and I’ll reply with my thoughts. The best way to use your affirmations is to write them down (have a maximum of 3 on the go at any time) and stick them to the bathroom mirror. That way, when you clean your teeth morning and night, you can read them and repeat them to yourself. Aim for about 20 repetitions of each one, it’s better if you speak them, but that can be difficult if you have a toothbrush in your mouth. In the beginning they will feel like a lie, but after about 3-6 weeks, you will begin to notice that you are believing these thoughts about yourself.
- Find people you think of as confident and begin to notice things about them, such as how they stand or how they speak. Are these things you can copy and begin to implement to build your confidence? If you get chance, ask them what they think about their confidence – some of these people will think they are not that confident! Ask them what they think about your confidence, do they have any advice that can help you? There are very few people who will not help you if you ask them – most people love to give their opinion too.
- Speak more loudly – obviously don’t shout! For some people speaking more slowly can help – especially if you are prone to mumbling. If you are doing public speaking though, it can help you to speak loudly and a little bit quicker – it makes you seem excited about your subject. Consider the pitch and tone of your voice – if you have access to record yourself speaking with friends you’ll have a better idea of how loud you are and what you sound like. Perhaps consider getting feedback from someone you trust. It takes time to change these things, but it’s really worth it.
- Be mindful of your feelings – if you notice that you don’t feel confident or you feel frightened then ask yourself, “what is making me feel this way?” Usually, there is some really good personal learning from this exercise. If you get no response, then a great way to break out of this feeling and feel more confident is to…
- Fake it Til You Make It! This is vital – in order for you to change your confidence levels, you are going to have to do a fair bit of this. The previous tips will help you with this – you can take huge strides forward by observing your body language and tone of voice. At first all of this seems contrived and your affirmations will feel like a lie. If you can spend about 3 weeks making these changes you will begin to see changes in the way people around you react to you. When you seem confident, people will take you more seriously, will be more inclined to listen to what you have to say and may even approach you for your opinion or advice. It’s important to realise that most people fake it til they make it all the time. Most seemingly confident people have their own concerns about confidence, however they instinctively use this process to get them through tricky situations etc. As we begin to speak and act confidently, even if we don’t feel it, the brain will eventually catch up and begin to think confidently, you’ll start to feel confident and then you’re really on your way to being super-confident.
- Start with easy stuff – get some confidence that you can improve your confidence. Don’t suddenly decide you are going to do some public speaking straight away – that may work, but chances are it’ll put you off for life. How about first of all you make a point in a meeting in front of your colleagues? A challenge I personally use is to try and speak to someone every day who I don’t know. If you do this a lot at work, then make a point of doing this outside of work. This is a great way to improve your confidence in talking with people – and practising small talk.
- Set some realistic timescales – don’t expect to change your world over night. You’ve spent a long time feeling low in confidence and this isn’t going to happen tomorrow. If you can stick to a process of change and use these tips, you’ll find that after a few months you’re doing things that today, you don’t believe you can ever do. Every few weeks, celebrate how far you have come along your journey and re-evaluate your goals.
It can be hard work making these changes, especially if you have little confidence. I’d recommend to those people that you find someone who can help you as you grow and change – there is a lot to be said for finding someone who can believe in you until you can believe in yourself. In the long run, the journey will not seem as hard as you thought it would be. Remember that confident people are not normally arrogant, although that is certainly a consideration. If you are a nice person, there is little chance that your new found confidence will lead people to think any less of you.
Thanks for the tips, I especially like the “fake it til you make it” tip but the only way to change a thought pattern is to create new “Truth” start believing you are a confident person and watch the change in just a few days.
Great post,
Cheers,
Tabs
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Dan O’Neil says… For some people the new thought pattern cannot possibly be believed straight away and takes time to bed in. Some people find it incredibly easy to do though!
I think a big, hard handshake and a stare in the eyes goes a long way in appearing confident. And sometimes it helps to pretend like your someone else, which may boost your confidence.
Dan O’Neil says… Mike, thanks for that good tip! There’s a great section in Think and Grow Rich (you can download the free ebook version from our site at Think And Grow Rich Free Ebook) which talks about creating a mastermind group – where you imagine you’re in counsel with the people who inspire you the most (dead or alive). This too can really help. Thanks again.
hi there,
yeah,i do really agree upon what you said that confidence is the foemost factor that dermine wether your presentation will be a success or not.
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Dan O’Neil says… Thanks.
I think that eye contact and speaking up are the most important. Alot of people won’t look at you and they will sort of mumble to themselves. Whenever this happens I immediately think lower of the person.
When a person speaks up and looks at me when they are talking it displays a certain sense of confidence that you just can’t quite get from anything else.
I find this to be more important that look or dress.
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Dan O’Neil says… It’s so important too if you’re trying to make a good first impression – if you went to an interview for example, you really need to appear confident, in spite of your nerves. Thanks for your comment Jesse.
I must say fake it till you make it is my favorite one from that list. There are so many times that I have been asked a question that I had no idea the answer or if I was even right, all I did was sound confident and act like I knew what I was talking about and it works (well not all the time).
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Jaxson, it’s one of the best ways to create change in yourself.
Thanks for your tips. This is a good tips for me. I often lost my confidence. Now, I now what should I have to do.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for your comments.
best tips!
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Giornale.
This is chock full of good advice. I have been attempting to ‘fake it’ for a while by walking more confidently when I enter situations ans I find it really helps. I can sense a different attitude from others every time I use it.
I will bookmark this post for sure.
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Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Tim, it’s something I’ve done for many years now – I used to hate being in public situations and now, because I can control how I feel, I find it no problem at all. The reaction from other people is really important and part of the feedback that your brain uses to reinforce it’s belief in your self-confidence.
Thank you so much for your tips. This is a good tips for me. I often lost my confidence. Now, I now what should I have to do.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Alex for your comments. I hope you have success.
Very good tips! A lot of tech heads do not have much confidence because of their lack of communicating experience. I think your tips will work for them.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for your comments.
So what do you think of Usain Bolt? Confident or cocky?
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Dan O’Neil says… Lisa, as a rule I do not judge people and this post is not about what is arrogant or cocky and what is not. I think we have much to learn from these athletes about dedication and commitment to your dreams and goals.
Interesting points… but is there a difference between males and females? Is the fact that I don’t see many females steepling their fingers or hooking their thumbs in their pants because these are male behavior (?) or because women generally don’t overtly exhibit these traits?
Dan O’Neil says… Sherbrook, that’s a great point actually. In the workshops I run on this stuff, I get people to try different things with their body language and posture to see how it feels – the main feedback is that people really do not know what to do with their hands. They often fidget with them and it detracts from the confident, assertive person they are trying to convey. These are only suggestions of course and there are differences between individuals as well as men and women. I’m someone who tends to hook my thumbs into my pockets, whereas my wife usually prefers to steeple in some way.
I have to admit that it’s nervous for me to look at other people’s eyes. I guess it’s cultural difference.In my country people feel it a bit impolite to do so.
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Dan O’Neil says… Thanks Emma, there are many places where culturally it’s not so acceptable to use eye contact. In the West, mostly, it’s ok as long as you get the balance right – share your time between the eyes and the mouth.
I personally used to be a guy lacking confidence within me few years back, then someone told me to stare the eyes of the person infront of you to increase your confidence, i tried it, and interestingly,, practicing the same for 2-3 months i felt i was quite confident infront of people, i started talking confidently,, i don’t remember who advised me, but ‘m still thankful to that person..!!
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Dan O’Neil says… Good advice – can be a little intimidating to others though – use with caution!
Appearing and displaying confidence will go a long way in helping you act confident. Make sure you believe in yourself and display this to others and they will believe in you as well.
Dan O’Neil says… Cheers Taylor.
This is really interesting. I am from Denmark but now live in Spain. People in Denmark think i always talk (too?) much and i have no problems making conversation, in fact i have friends who invite over when they invite people who dont know eachother, so i can make a bit conversation:) But here in Spain they think im serious and dont talk too much, so its funny how im considered extroverted and confident in one country and introverted in another.
Dan O’Neil says… The wonderful thing about perspective is that you can be anything to anyone! Thanks for your comments.
Excellent post and a great read. I have problems in the way i stand and to look into people’s eyes (especially females). Thanks for pointing quite a few simple, yet easily doable things.
And also the idea of trying and talking to unknown people is great. Apparently simple, but extremely effective. Thanks again.
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Dan O’Neil says… Thanks for your comment.
I’m a big believer in doing whatever makes you feel NOT confident, or nervous. If public speaking scares you, go out and do it. Once you realize that you are alive, well and healthy after doing what scared you, you naturally gain confidence and reduce your reaction to that adrenaline response.
Dan O’Neil says… There’s often no substitute for “Just Do It”. Other than JFDI…
I’ve had some of the tips before as well. But according to me, the most important thing is mind. We’ve to change the way we think. Meditation is an important part I’ve come across. All these things come under it because if our mind is not signaling us right then we may just not be able to execute it well. To some extent, I really did execute and look in the eyes and try to keep positive body language but building a solid base is important to grow floors on it.
Thank you for the tips. I’ve been looking for some easy and effective ways to boost my confidence for sometime now without changing what is fundamentally me…good natured. I feel it’s essential (for me anyway) to be confident with all aspects of my life without being arrogant. Posture is a great thing to be conscious of and I’m convinced the ‘fake it till you make it’ approach is the best. I find I enjoy eye contact with people now whereas before I felt a bit nervous. It’s interesting to see how people open up with good eye contact and appropriate questions. Nothing changes overnight but I already feel very different about myself after having read this post. Thanks again.
I see this with a different perspective than probably alot of you here. I love this confident talk.
It is totally inspiring to me and I believe it will change my life for the better. I’m a college student who
struggles with a severely depressed father. It is anguishing for me to see him living as miserable as he is
even more so by his own choice when I know that there is something much better.
I personally have recently started writing a journal – a very personal “story” of what I’m going through
and a way for me to improve and become a better person of who I already am.
I see this post truly inspiring for me, after I read I promptly ordered a top rated book on amazon.com
Believing In Yourself: A Practical Guide to Building Self-Confidence by Erik Blumenthal (what a last name huh?)
Well I am totally excited to get this book and start living anew confidently. For anyone else who might benefit from this- try writing down your thoughts in a journal. Its also a great confidence builder because you won’t have to gain assurance from others by making known your problems to them which by my experience only gains negative responses. Paper and ink does not have regressive opinions. I have learned the hard way that people are not attracted to negativity. Now I will start being positive.
I am a strong confident person! I hope I have inspired someone, anyone, because this truly inspires me!
For 35 years when in a social group or a meeting at work I acted in a timid manner not speaking my mind and inside I hated myself. I wanted to be like others who were confident and strong because I was these qualities inside but couldn’t show it on the outside. I was passed over for promotions when I knew I was the best person for the job. Then I realized something that changed my life forever. One day in a meeting I looked at a very confident guy and his hands were shaking. He was more scared than I was. I sat mesmerized watching him and then others and saw it everywhere. All of these confident people were ” faking” it. I worked on being bold and being a confident person. One day the fake and the real me blended and I have never looked back. My salary has tripled, I manage a big team travelling round the world and I feel great about myself. On reading your article it all brought it back to me and I wanted to share with others that it does work and not to be afraid to try.
Nice Tips… When I talk about confident then according to me your attention and desire-power makes your confident till super lever… don’t think to do… Just do it.
This is a good information Dan. I can use these tips for my own benefits as I am having problems in public speaking. My nervousness is always there and my confidence is very low. Thank you for this encouraging tips.
Thanks for your comments – public speaking can be really tough. It’s always practice, practice, practice! There are skills you can learn, particularly about how to sell and influence from the stage, but to be honest the thing that gets you over your fear is the doing it and it not going as badly as you think!